T. - "Jim, sorry to barge in on you at such short notice Old Boy - but we appear to have something of a sticky legal problem, a somewhat giant, very sticky problem in fact, with the soccer guy phone-hacking thing. Both Col and I need to talk to you about it tout suite. In a nutshell if we don't settle we're in deep shit. And I mean deep and I mean shit."
J - "Jesus! I thought we'd nailed that one down with the Goodman, Mulcaire result". Whose fault is this? What are we talking here - how much is this going to cost me?"
T. - "That's a good question Jim and it isn't all about the money. There's a good chance that there's proof we were hacking a lot ..... a great number of .... everyone we've ever done a story on ... phone ... right Col."
C. - "Grunt." (Col nods).
J. - "Fuck! You're supposed to have put this one to bed already. How! Why did this happen?"
T. - "There appears to be some, let's say hard to avoid, stuff that came up in the Goodman trial that leads straight to us hacking the soccer guy's phone - and his lawyers have it. There's other names too. If this one goes to trial who knows where it'll end up. We don't want this in open court. We need to shut it down completely before it takes all of us, and the company, with it."
J. - "How do we make this go away - before Daddy finds out?"
C. - "We don't. He already knows - I spoke with Less last night and he told him - I had to, Less's fingerprints are all over this and he's got to keep your dad safe from infection. The word is we're to carry the can on this one. So either we make it go away or we fall on our swords."
J. - "What the fuck Col you should have brought this to me first. No way I'm falling on any fucking sword. You two on the other hand...."
T. - "It ain't that simple Jim - you're in this too - up to your neck. It's been going on for years under what might be described as your watch and as the present boss it's your problem - your dad has been seriously advised not to get involved so he can't help us here. They're not letting this one cross the Atlantic. The ball is in your court, but let me give you some gentle advice - if we go down then so do you."
C. - "I only did what I was told."
J. & T. - "Shut up Col."
J. - "OK, OK, let's sort this out - what do we do - who do I blame?"
T. - "We have got to look at the bigger picture here Jim. We've got to keep the rest of the company, especially America and your BSkyB deal, out of this. So we make the soccer guy an offer he can't refuse and structure a settlement that buys his silence - tight as a drum."
C. - "Is that legal?"
J. & T. - "Shut up Col."
J. - "Sounds like a plan to me. But never mind all this how do I stay clean? I'm not going down just because a bunch of my company's best hacks are criminals - even if we did encourage them to keep up the good work. Shit, fuck, bollocks, bloody newspapers. If this screws up my plans to get the rest of BSkyB I'll have all your asses in a sling. Keep me out of this - I'll leave the country if I have to." (stomping noises)
T. - "Well so long as we haven't told you directly what stuff came out in the Goodman trial and we don't show you anything the soccer guy's lawyers have sent us you might get away with claiming you know nothing about it. Bit of a stretch though as all this came out in open court and as the head of the company you might reasonably be expected to know a bit about it. So have a look anyway ..... see what I mean. But if we settle we might be able to put an end to the problem. In that case I can't say any more about it and you'll just have to do what I tell you. Trust me - I've no intention of doing time over this. And that is where it could end up if we're not careful" (sniff)
J. - "I can have another dinner with the PM - that'll keep me out of the Clink - you guys on the other hand...here, take this back. I haven't seen it. Is there another way? One where we can get out of this permanently with my and the company's reputation intact ... without paying a fortune."
C. - "Don't think so. When I spoke with our outside counsel he said that this is one of the biggest smoking guns he'd ever seen."
J. & T. - "Shut up Col."
T. - "I'm sure the soccer guy's lawyers are open to ... will recommend ...a settlement ... but at a price - in this case a very - eye-watering - high price if we are going to get his silence on the matter - permanent silence that is. The good news is nobody outside this room needs to know the details - you can sign-off on a million quid without telling anyone - apart from lawyers who can't tell anyone anyway - oh and the non-disclosure terms are tighter than a fish's asshole. We're good at that - tie 'em up in legal knots."
J. - "How much - a million quid?" (choking sounds)
T. - "Well he could, at best, expect a couple of hundred thousand all up if he wins - if we sweeten it by half a million he should go for it and put an end to any possible fall-out later if it went to trial. All in all I'd say that was a bargain given where this could lead if the amount of our phone hacking, which Col has unfortunately turned up, were to come out - never mind the rest of the skeletons we know are buried around this company- you could even end up appearing before Parliament. Let's be frank Jim - it's a disaster and we need some disaster management right now. Pay the man as much as it takes. I'll go back with an offer and you sign the cheque - no questions."
C. - "Tell him again about the others ... more ...probably a lot more ...as well"
J.- "Others... lot more"( high pitched scream).
T. - "Yup - calm down Jim - we'll have to pay them all out ... every last one of them. It'll amount to quite a lot of money by the end of it - we may also want to short circuit, or at least limit, the bad publicity by devising a way of paying them without them ever getting close to a court. Of course there will be those that will want their day in court and they'll be even more expensive to silence - perish the thought. It is my considered opinion and that of everyone else I have consulted that we are in for a painful and public legal colostomy if we don't sort this out now. If you are familiar with the phrase - tear a new asshole - you might get a picture of where this is heading. But, let's face it while we might not have right on our side we do have the money."
J. - " Fuck me and the horse I rode in on. Will that do the trick?"
T. - "Worked before. I'm running the old confusion trick and shot stuff off to lawyers with specific instructions to limit their scope of enquiry. And we're busy pretending to investigate ourselves - except fucking Col here didn't realise it was only pretend. That'll create a smoke screen and maybe buy us enough time for this to go away. We'll announce victory and it could be all over in a year - with luck and without anyone paying too much attention that is. We have enough people inside the Met to know the police have packed in their investigation - the plastic bags are stuck in a stairwell - and we'll make sure it stays that way. We have more than enough influence in Number 10 to keep the politicians off our back. And we'll hack the phones of any politician... anyone ... that might get close to exposing this. All those expensive meals and slumber parties haven't gone to waste Jim - by the way, given the circumstances, you might want to have a few more of them. We live in hope".
C. - "I don't think we can just eat, drink and sleep our way out of this even if we do buy the soccer guy's permanent silence."
J. & T. - "Shut up Col."
J. - "Hope, what do you mean hope! (shrill) Just do what it takes so long as it doesn't spoil my BSkyB deal - drop a few of the usual threats around - let them know they're in for a very, very ugly fight. We'll show them who's in charge here. We can take the whole ungrateful pack of them down and they know it - we're owed plenty by enough of them to make it go away - at least I think we are - they'll come grovelling back. Anyway, let me think about this ..... I couldn't give a rat's ass about the newspapers. If we have to we'll close them all down. They're not worth the paper they're printed on. I'll pay the money and If that doesn't do the trick and we need a sacrifice I'll give them one. I've wanted to get rid of those bloody things for years except Dad......."
T. - "In that case we'd better make up a list of those we're prepared to shoot to extricate ourselves from this mess. We need a sacrifice game plan."
J. - "Start at the bottom and work up - stop just before it gets to me. Leave Becky off the list - dad likes her - but, be sure to put both your names on it. Now fuck-off while I arrange a trip to Chequers."
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