Events, Dear boy, Events

It is indeed a sad indictment of the English underclass that they lack sufficient cultural sophistication to loot anything worthwhile. A stark indication of how badly the education system and prevailing economic model have failed to influence them - not least in explaining the risk/reward paradigm. This particular missing ingredient could well be instilled into the great unwashed by opening up a "Herman Goering School of Looting" in each of the more deprived metropolitan areas where a better understanding of proper English cultural values can be ingrained - leading to a, culturally attuned, economically sound, better class of looter This would be balanced by opening the "Mrs. Beeton School of Riot Control" in Chipping Norton to train police officers to inflict etiquette at the end of a baton round or water cannon. All done in the best possible taste.

Doing 6 months as a guest of Her Majesty for a bottle of water from Lidl as opposed to a Rembrandt or a Constable from the Tate illustrates a distinct absence of grasp of simple capitalist theory and belies the national cultural traditions so enshrined in being English. Rather than torching a Bangladeshi corner store for a packet of cigarettes a rampage through the National Gallery, the Victoria and Albert Museum, the Opera House, Eton, Harrow, Barbour or Berry Bros & Rudd would demonstrate a better understanding of the true cultural priorities pervading the nation and possibly avoid the accusations of being simply dishonest, violent, unscrupulous and lawless, criminal, feral louts.  How about a bulldozer through the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club as a demonstration of ennui?

The Iraqis successfully looted their Museums and Art Galleries - why not the English? If this example is to be met what is missing is the presence of US troops on the streets of London. Fortunately the Prime Minister is looking to the USA for help in dealing with the illegal redistribution of athletic apparel and electrical appliances - it seems unlikely that US advice would protect museums and galleries. Colonel Blimps are already demanding troops on the streets, vigilante justice, public nakedness for anyone who isn't white and the death penalty for those socially inferior. All good Victorian values suited to an unequal society in which a bottle of wine or a waxed coat can cost more than a week's wages - if you get a weekly wage that is.

I find it confusing that the Prime Minister wants to take the streets back - which streets? Does he mean the streets where the untermenschen live or the ones where they like to go free-shopping. Seeing as nobody even wants to visit the streets where they live it seems unlikely that anybody actually wants them back. Putting them there was the whole point in the first place. Which makes a policy of tossing them out of their homes for rioting somewhat problematic. Where do they go? In the good old days they were sent to Australia. As that option is no longer available then under a railway bridge looks like the best location for hundreds of newly homeless convicts. They'll also have no money. Good plan, eh! Ringed by armed police teaching them the proper etiquette by pulling their hoody off while standing on their neck - a law enforcement technique taught at the Mrs Beeton School of Riot Control.

These police may have more hoodies to pull than they bargained for - as the whole country appears to be running out of money and could do so rather quickly given the present economic malaise. At which time the recent disturbances will seem somewhat low-keyed. By then Herman Goering's other unpleasant proclivities will be more like the government's chosen policy than his example to looters.

Pip, Pip.