An open letter to the Irish

Ah well now,

Youghal better move somewhere else - invade Poland

Der's fur an a haff millien of yez at de last count and dis week yer 7 billion Euros short - eye tink dat works out ata bout 150 million fur each one of yuh - an dats only in de first tree munths. Eye tink yud better be looking for some of dat Mexican drug muney. What you need is a branch of the Wachovia Bank.

Ever consider how the feck y'all got into this situation. The litany of services you've already paid taxes for that the great unwashed are no longer getting - healthcare, pensions, education and the additional costs for water, electricity, transport that at one time you used to own.  Never mind not having a job. Meanwhile assorted elites are making out, literally, like bandits - Wachovia Bank admitted to laundering close to 400 billion in Mexican drug money. Who foisted this fiction upon yourselves?

As an Irish rural property owner myself I'm less than impressed by headlines such as "Irish property going for a song". Which feckin song? I hope not one by them U2 tossers - none of whom appear to pay any taxes at all. Any chance of my moving to my piece of Connemara bog is obliterated by the prospect of the immediate personal inheritance of 150 million of current account debt - lessened, upon my arrival, by one four and a half millionth. Statistically ever fecker that you let emigrate just increases how much money those left behind owe - but who to?. It would appear to be them Germans mostly - so before the Germans follow their usual practice in times of economic hardship and invade Poland I'd rev up the Irish Army and beat them to it. There'd be enough Poles in Dublin to provide interpretation services - if you hurry.

Alternatively the Irish Army could be rented out to the rebels in Libya - they certainly look to need the help. Who'd pay might be a problem although BP would seem likely to want to chip in.

Speaking of black holes I gather that Youghal is rapidly becoming one among many to be found around the sainted isle due to Cosmic quantities of debt. My suggestion is that Ireland's debt be henceforth measured in Light Years rather than Euros - that way it is a much smaller, more manageable number. Advice on how to do this can be gotten from Argentina.

On another matter, I'd be campaigning to rearrange the acronym PIGS alluding to the state of certain national economies - Portugal, Ireland, Greece and Spain - to something less derogatory - such as GIPS or SPIG. This is the least one could do to fractionally relieve the embarrassment of having totally screwed up the lives of four and a half million people who had their heads up their arses simultaneously.